hmm it has been a while...

last post was about Spanky..and that didnt last.

I'm suspended from school atm. smoking in uniform for the millionth time. its been great! such a goddamn holiday. I have to write the school an apology letter, fucking weak but I will do it, I love my fellow peers to much I guess.

ok. so to update you all.
for the past 6 weeks I've felt like the biggest stoner in bathurst.
im getting along with my family again.
i've made a new friend, her names Katheri. she is very sexy, vegetarian, bi and has a nose ring. we've just clicked. my school keeps on telling her parents not to let her mix with me because im a 'bad influence' which is really fucking annoying. i want them to just leave me alone and my friends to. shes been crashing at my old house alot lately to, shes having the same family troubles as i did and it feels great knowing that im helping her out. kinda like a mentor. she rang me in tears thursday night after a fight with her mum and told me she wouldnt trade our friendship for the world. its been 2 weeks but i love this girl whole heartily.
refuge kid, now known to you all as jesse and i have grown to be good friends. there is nothing intimate about our relationship anymore we are strictly friends..with some sexual tension i gotta admit lol. he has found christianity and is happy, which makes me happy for him :) i should be going to a christian concert with him tonight.
emily-rose and guy are now together. emily-rose is my bestfriend and guy is jesses. o0o0o the scandal! lol. not really we just have a really cute tight knit of friends now.
i dont think ive felt this secure in my whole life.

now that ive filled you all in im off to have a marlboro.
love you all!

I am in motherfucking lust.

His name is spanky, or ed. I prefer spanky.
He has snake bites (piercings) and plays in a band. Ehehe.

First time I saw him I was in my school uniform, (fucking kilt), at the bus stop smoking. From that draw on I had decided I would be hooking up with him.

Last night it finally happened!! And now I am waiting anxiously for 12 so I can see him again.

He is everything I exspected and more.

<3333

Ryns 18th was ohhk, a bit of a let down though, just because she's one of the most hardcore teens in bx (doing cocaine at age 12) and has had every hair colour or piercing imaginable at one point in her life. So the fact she decided to do a small get together with only her closest friends, around 15 was a let down. Needless to say there was drama. Lots of it, there always is with Ryn. It was over sex.

Of course.

So I'll explain.
Ryn told Nath (her ex, worshiper and booty call) that he wasn't allowed to sleep in her bed tonight as she was planning on bringing someone else in.
Nath, still being in love and totally obsessed with Ryn threatened to bash Rex (one of the many guys Ryn was all over). Ryn made a move on Rex but he rejected her because once Morgan arrived it brought back all his old feelings towards her. This left Ryn infuriated and wanting to bash Rex. So basically everyone was wanting to bash Rex. And yet Nath still wasn't allowed in Ryns bed. So. Who were the guys Ryn was going to fuck?? It was narrowed down to Matty, Johnny or Dayne. Matty told Nath he wouldn't cut his grass but everyone knows Matty and Ryn had sex in the shower. Nath was happy, he got to sleep in the bed afterwards.


Which leads me to post-Ryn partay drama. The night after we went pub crawling and all Mattys attention was on me, he wasn't even going halfs with Ryn for a cigarette. This made both Ryn, Nath and Dayne jealous. Ryn because she was planning on fucking matty again. And matty only fucking her. Nath because he was pissed off that Ryn was jealous over another guy trying to hookup with a girl. Dayne because apparently I was going to hookup with him the night of Ryns party and he had told the others to keep their hands off me. Then when I went of with this random tall cute indie guy who was going to give me cigarettes and drinks everyone got fucked off with me for 'playing them' as morgan, my only sidekick of the night put it. Once she told me this I told the cute guy that I had to go kindly but I'd see him around. So I went back to the gang. The cheap incestuous gang.

Pretty sure Ryn is over the Matty thing now, and Dayne understands we're just friends.

I hope so anyway. I also hope I DO see the cute guy again.

Now my blisters hurt :( crashing in town and having to walk to the other side of town the next morning hungover in heels is the worst shit out. Never again.
xx

I've felt so much better today.

I didn't go to school, just went down town with Elissa and bought Ryns 18th present :)

We've patched things up with dayne.

And I went to coffee with my nan, I hadn't spoken to my family since going to the refuge (about 3 months ago). It was great, she shouted me a vanilla latte and told me pointless stories about her holiday to darwin and dissaproved strongly of the nose, monroe and tongue piercing. Just like old times. We went shopping and she got me a madarse new top and heart shaped sunnies!! Apparently we're getting an exchange student from south america as well, so fucking excited.

So my day was awesome. Now I'm just layering shades of black over my nails and listening to my chill music.

Turns out at 2:50 sunday morning the guy from the refuge came over. He didn't have my underwear however he had a full packet of cigarettes. Score.
Nadia, my guardian, unaware of this came into the room in the morning and saw me naked in bed, eating toast with some other naked random with multiple facial piercings in bed next to me. Needless to say she was pissed, it was worth it though; the sex was amazing.

This afternoon I watched a slide show of old photos from my earlier high school years. It made me cry. And not pussy tears down cheek, I mean full on heaving crying.
I cried for the ones I left behind
I cried for my lost innocence
I cried for my old indifference

I cried for everything that didn't matter. And everything that used to.

I'm so submerged in my own stupid lifestyle that I'm not that crazy, bubbly, little fucker I used to be. And I miss that.

Such an uneventful saturday.
No doubt about to be an uneventful weekend.

It seems that recently if I'm not doing something fucked up or illegal, I'm bored. It kinda scares me, like the only plans I made all weekend were to get back my underwear from the guy I had sex with at the refuge.

Turns out he didn't have them with him today so I've done nothing but chain smoke and drink coffee and be ridiculously bored.

Elissa, my best, and pretty much only real friend, that I live with is out at orange tonight visiting her father and all today was with her boyfriend. I've felt extremely lonely today.

I want a relationship. I'm sick of falling for the people who fuck me over, sick of being a mistake, a regret, a bet, a goal. What is it about me that tells them "sex only", are they scared of being dependent to someone like me? Or maybe they assume that I'll be dependent of them. At the moment I probably would.

I don't want to ramble, so I'll leave you there.
Until the next fucked up thing happens.
xx